I’ve always heard how hard it was for the military member’s deployed family. “I’m sure that’s terrible,” I always thought. It wasn’t until it happened to me personally that I could have some understanding of what it means to be a military spouse. Just for context, my husband joined the US Air Force two years ago, “old,” as I always say. He was 37 when he went to Officer Training School (OTS). We have a 6-year-old daughter and a 2-year-old son. Even though we are within driving distance of our families (roughly 4-5 hours away), it still can be very isolating to be a deployed member’s spouse. When I’m writing this article, we are a little over halfway through our first deployment of 6 months. I say “our” because while my husband is technically the one deployed, we as a family are going through it as well.
If anything can go wrong, it will.
Have you ever heard of Murphy’s Law? It states, “If anything can go wrong, it will.” I feel like Murphy has been testing me since my husband left. After my husband finally arrived at his undisclosed location (after multiple plane cancellations/delays), he tested positive for Covid. So, of course, I had to get us all tested. Everyone had Covid (myself and both kids). So, then we were quarantined/trapped for ten days together. My 6-year-old daughter has always given me issues with behavior when just with me, but she has gone through the roof since my husband has left (think spawn of Satan). This has led me to get her started with play therapy. I’m hoping it works in the future because my nerves are shot.
In just the last three months, my mother-in-law found out she had breast cancer & had a double mastectomy, my grandmother passed away, I had sinus surgery & post-op sinus infection, and my 2-year-old has RSV. I’m not saying this for pity. I’m saying life still happens even when you don’t have your most significant support person around. It is tough. Please don’t forget to ask for help when needed. I’m fortunate that my husband’s squadron has checked on me, and his supervisor even watched my 2-year-old so that I could take my 6-year-old out to each lunch. I also want to make sure you are away from deployment care. The Air Force has a program where you can get 16 hours of free childcare from an FCC provider each month if the deployed member is gone for at least six months. I didn’t use many hours last month because life was hectic, and by the end of the month, I felt it.
Don’t be afraid to ask for help with childcare, errands, etc. If you don’t feel comfortable reaching out to your spouse’s First Sergeant, please try reaching out to a Key Spouse. They are (or should be) there to provide you with resources and support. Don’t forget about self-care and whatever that looks like for you. I enjoy going to Bingo once a month at least and going to Bunco. It could be gardening, arts and crafts, or whatever you enjoy doing. Make sure to take some time for yourself. Included with this thought is also not to be afraid to tell people “no.” Whether there is a conflict of time, or you are too tired to do something/go somewhere, don’t let fear of disappointing others make you stretch yourself too thin. Burnout is real!
Give yourself grace. Being a parent is hard. Being a solo parent is even more challenging (SHOUT OUT to all the single parents out there. I honestly don’t know how you do it.) I feel like I’m drowning most of the time, but I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel…. eventually. Am I Mother of the Year? NO! But we are surviving, and my kids are being taken care of. Are they watching too much tv right now? Yes, but sometimes you need to take some time for yourself (even if that sometimes means too much screen time). Remember, this is only for a season that will pass. Just keep looking for the light at the end of the tunnel.
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